Men seeking deeper friendships with other men must make a conscious commitment to develop relationships. However, this often conflicts with the old model of friendship that many men experienced growing up. Some 20 years ago, George Ortenzo and I developed a Conscious Friendship Model for men. It still holds true today. Upleveling to a model that provides deeper levels of connection, growth, and love requires a commitment. Are you willing to let go of the old and embrace the new?
MODELS OF FRIENDSHIP: TWO VIEWPOINTS
OLD FRIENDSHIP MODEL |
CONSCIOUS-EFFORT FRIENDSHIP MODEL |
1. Friendships between men happen while doing (working, playing sports, etc.) When the doing stops, the friendship usually ends. |
1. Friendships between men are perceived as important in and of themselves, and are consciously pursued. |
2. The discussion of work, sports, finances, women, and like matters dominant male dialogue. Men are cautious about discussing their personal life. |
2. The discussion of personal/spiritual growth, dreams, hopes, desires, and fears are crucial to forming a close relationship. |
3. Competition, rivalry, and social status are of paramount importance. Closeness occurs when working for a common cause or opposing a common enemy. |
3. Cooperation, personal honesty, and emotional “status” are of paramount importance. Closeness occurs within the context of a developing relationship. |
4. A self-image that reflects success and dominance is essential. |
4. A real, authentic, and honest self is essential. |
5. Anger is an acceptable emotion but other emotions are suspect and dangerous. |
5. All the human emotions, from joy to despair, from tenderness to toughness are worthy and life defining. |
6. Conversation is egocentric and non-relational. |
6. Conversation expands to explore the mutual social, emotional and personal life of oneself and the other. |
7. Distrust and caution are essential in dealing with men who want friendship. |
7. Trust and vulnerability are essential in building friendship with other men. |
8. Staying hidden, concealed, and obscure leads to loneliness and isolation. |
8. Openness, availability, clarity, and connection are consciously fostered. This results in renewed energy and a deeper understanding of self. |
9. Love and tenderness are rarely expressed to another man; praise is used sparingly—if at all. |
9. Love, tenderness, and appreciation are joylessly expressed. |