While Valentine’s Day may boost the sales of flowers, chocolate and Hallmark cards, it also offers an opportunity to revitalize relationships. Red hearts, displayed in stores remind us of romance and acts of love. However, if you’ve been with a person for a length of time, you may find yourself less inclined to give Valentine’s Day any serious thought. After all, he or she should know by now how you really feel about the relationship.

It is easy to fall into a pattern of taking a partner for granted. This may not occur in the early stages of a relationship when an infatuated couple showers each other with love and affection. Falling in love creates an intimate bond where individuals feel loved, wanted, appreciated, and comforted in times of need. Maintaining and revitalizing that bond over time can be challenging.

Whether a relationship becomes a brief interlude or turns into a life-long partnership, a couple has to overcome that natural tendency toward complacency. As a garden needs regular tending, so does a partnership need ongoing nurturing. If you take away the sunshine and neglect to prune, water, and fertilize, a magnificent garden will soon be overgrown with weeds. Therefore, if you want to insure that your relationship continues to blossom, consider these revitalizing steps for your Valentine.

1. STRENGTHEN COMMITMENT. Karen Blitzen who wrote “Out of Africa” said that the most important aspect of a relationship is a common vision. If the common vision or commitment fades, the relationship becomes strained as two people pull in opposite directions. Spending long hours away from home will increase a sense of detachment. However, a couple can revitalize the partnership by making their relationship a priority. A commitment to spend time together and consciously enhance and strengthen the relationship will re-forge that powerful bond.

2. UPDATE COMMUNICATION SKILLS. Couples need to continually update and improve their communication, which is always a work in progress. Some need to improve their listening skills while others need to convey their wants and desires more effectively. If you expect your partner to read your mind, your needs will often go unsatisfied. Take responsibility for identifying your needs and expressing them clearly. Couples who communicate well feel more loved. Update your skills by attending a couple’s enrichment course or reading about relationships. My good friend, Mari Frank, and I wrote Fighting for Love: Turn Conflict into Intimacy, A Couple’s Guide.

3. PRAISE MORE OFTEN. Positive strokes reinforce a loving bond. Research on couples highlights one of the main determinants in couple satisfaction or dissatisfaction as the ratio of positives to negatives. To have a positive, growing relationship, the ratio should be 5 positives to 1 negative. A positive climate reinforced with affirming acts and statements insures that a zone of safety, love, and security is maintained. In such an environment, conflict does not become overly threatening and can be more easily resolved. Share appreciative comments daily. Acknowledge the importance of the relationship on a regular basis. Every positive stroke adds to your bank of relational goodwill.

4. IMPROVE PROBLEM SOLVING. Problems, when rectified, can provide an opportunity to overcome adversity and strengthen a relationship. Mutually agree on a process of resolving difficulties before they arise. Arrange a time when you can both be attentive and distractions are minimized. Avoid the litany of all past grievances. Remain focused on one issue at a time. A simple process to tackle disagreements has one person express his or her issue without interruption. When finished, the other person refrains from defending or attacking, asks questions to clarify the problem, and then summarizes or rephrases what was said. The process is then reversed so that each person has a turn. Problems have a better chance of being resolved when partners feel heard.

5. INCREASE FUN AND PLEASURE. It doesn’t take any skill to have fun. It just requires an openness to be spontaneous and playful. Make a list of fun activities that both you and your partner enjoy. Movies, plays, comedy clubs, bowling, walks in nature and surprise getaways are but a few examples. Sharing vigorous physical activities such as exercise or sports provide a great way to relieve stress together.

6. BRING BACK THE ROMANCE. You don’t have to stop dating just because you’re in a stable relationship. Some couples establish a date night, which they take turns planning. Consider what might be romantic for your partner and surprise him or her. A Valentine’s card with flowers at a special restaurant, love letters, romantic weekends, unexpected gifts, music, dancing, hot tubs, massage, candles and incense, hugging and holding hands all create an ambiance that strengthens your relationship. Be responsive and attentive to the other and frequently fan the flames of love.

As a therapist and a writer, I love stories about transformation. While Scrooge went through his own transformation from miser to generous soul, his clerk Bob Cratchit never experienced his own makeover. He only changed because Scrooge changed. Therefore, I had the idea of Bob being visited by Spirits who gave him a wake-up call to discover that his horrible memories continually haunt him. Only by letting them go and living in the present could he create a different future.

Traumatic feelings that do not get resolved stay with us. Therefore, forgiveness is about letting go, especially of the past emotions attached to memories. The practice that I use and teach my clients is to recognize old wounds, accept that they are there, learn from them, bless them with love, and then let them go. I’ve had to do that with my father who left the family when I was a young boy. The lesson I learned was to be the father who I always wanted in my life. I believe my children were blessed with that gift.

Like Bob, we can visit the past, release memories that haunt us, and look for ways to embrace the Christmas Spirit.  Here are some ways to embrace the Spirit of Christmas every day

1. 1. Make a list of what brings you joy and check it twice.
   2. Get a live evergreen tree for the home and watch it grow.
   3. Put some lights around the house. Candles also work.
   4. Listen to your favorite Christmas carols. (My favorite is Drummer Boy.)
   5. Watch a movie that brings you joy.
   6. Practice an act of kindness every day.
   7. Give someone an unexpected present.
   8. Give yourself an unexpected present.

Jack Canfield, New York Times Bestselling author of The Success Principles™ and cocreator of the Chicken Soup for the Soul® series gave me a present with his testimonial: “Bob Cratchit’s Christmas Carol will inspire you to let go of the past, awaken your true purpose, and create miracles.” 

You can watch my interview about the book on www.bobschristmas.com and/or read a free excerpt at https://BookHip.com/FZTMLCD

Wishing you all, Happy Holidays

Leonard Szymczak

Men seeking deeper friendships with other men must make a conscious commitment to develop relationships. However, this often conflicts with the old model of friendship that many men experienced growing up. Some 20 years ago, George Ortenzo and I developed a Conscious Friendship Model for men. It still holds true today. Upleveling to a model that provides deeper levels of connection, growth, and love requires a commitment. Are you willing to let go of the old and embrace the new?

                                       MODELS OF FRIENDSHIP: TWO VIEWPOINTS

When I access the GPS in my car, I know that the Global Positioning System is connected to a worldwide navigational system. As it determines my position, processes my destination, and charts a course, I cruise comfortably without worry. And if I happen to not pay attention and miss an exit, the GPS merely tells me without judgment, “Recalculating.”

To access our spiritual nature and connection to a Higher Consciousness, we need a navigational system. Fortunately, we all have an inner GPS, one that is intricately linked to a Higher Power. When we feel such a connection to the Divine, we become Spirit-driven in our actions and interactions. We enter a state of flow where inner guidance and synchronicity miraculously appear. From that spiritual center, we become a beacon of light to others as we radiate love and inner peace.

How do we increase our receptivity and strengthen our connection to the Divine?

1. Recognize that you are on a sacred hero’s journey to return Home.

The journey calls you to heal wounds that create separation and break free from your “False” self. Healing raises your consciousness on the hero’s journey, knowing that you are a spiritual being on a human excursion.

We may be at different phases of our spiritual development, each following a unique path with individualized lessons, but we are all, nonetheless, journeying toward Home, the place where we feel part of something far greater than our ego. As we break free from destructive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that prevent us from embracing a Spirit-driven life, we welcome curiosity, love, and acceptance.

2. Grow from the inside out through a daily practice.

Developing a spiritual practice is the fulcrum for inner work. Such a practice grounds us, centers us, and humbles us by reminding us that we are part of something far greater than ourselves. It plugs us into an endless source of wisdom, gratitude, connection, forgiveness, and acceptance. There is nothing soft about our spirituality. It is hard won and emanates from within.

Choose a practice that aligns with who you are and that you can use daily. Meditation and prayer are common in most traditions, and they come in many different flavors. Other practices include journaling, time in nature, transformational trainings, twelve-step work, contemplation, breath work, and gratitude.

3. Keep a Gratitude Journal.

Holding an attitude of gratitude reminds us to recognize each day those incidents, be they big or small, that bring us joy.

1. Notice where you are blessed and the gifts that have been bestowed on you for no other reason than you exist.

2. Notice how you are supported in mysterious ways.

3. Notice where you have abundance.

4. Notice the sacred and beautiful relations with family, friends, co-workers, and even strangers.

Embracing our spiritual journey, we can find the joy, gratitude, and gravitas that help us become potent souls. From that place, we will feel deep in our bones that we are spiritual beings and can let our light radiate freely with open hearts.

Give a man a problem to fix; he feels right at home. Ask a man to love; that becomes a problem.

Men tend to demonstrate love through acts of service like doing things or fixing problems, or we may seek to feel loved through sex. However, loving with an open heart is hard for us. Sure, we can give a woman flowers or tell a close male friend in an off-handed way, “Luv you, Bro.” However, real love asks us to embrace intimacy (Into-me-see).

Intimacy is about being vulnerable, something men have been taught to avoid. If we identify with the images of masculinity as portrayed in the media and by culture, we will value toughness, self-sufficiency, and invulnerability. Those qualities of a warrior may work in the field of sports, but they don’t translate well with love and intimacy. That doesn’t mean, however, that we don’t long for love. Hell, everyone needs love. Deprive infants of love and they don’t survive.

To find love, we often lean into the beliefs that if we are good enough, strong enough, smart enough, or successful enough, then we will be loved. Unfortunately, this outcome depends on external praise and reinforcement. We can be extremely successful in the outside world yet feel unloved on the inside. Worthiness doesn’t come from others; it comes from the inside—where real love exists.

To love with an open heart requires tremendous courage because love is fraught with fear for many men. We either fear rejection and abandonment, or we fear getting smothered and losing ourselves. No wonder love is so difficult!

To build a life of love, we must be willing to move past our defenses and cultural images of masculinity. If we grew up with guilt, shame, rejection, or abuse, we have likely erected barriers around our hearts and carried on stoically.

The mystic Rumi tells us, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

Building a life of love requires us to seek out those beliefs that act as barriers. Here are but a few that get in the way:

• • Real men are tough and invulnerable.

  • I’m not the problem, you are!

  • If you see the real me, you won’t love me.

  • When I’m successful, I’ll be loved.

  • I don’t deserve love.

After becoming aware of our unspoken and often unconscious beliefs, we must dismantle the negative ones and replace them with heartfelt loving ones. Here are 5 steps to do that:

1. Accept yourself the way you are. Even though you may be frightened of opening your heart, you can still accept that you are fearful of getting hurt and still move forward toward intimacy.

2. Become aware of thoughts or beliefs that prevent you from receiving or giving love.

3. Open your heart to act in loving ways toward yourself and others. (Affirming words, acts of kindness, tender touch, time for play, etc.)

4. Institute a daily practice of self-care and love.

5. Share that love with a loved one, a friend, or your family.

When we become self-generating lovers, we have more love to share with others. And love is what the world desperately needs!