Aging is a curriculum we all must take. Yet we often resist the lessons, trying to stay young even though we’re getting older every day. Actress Bette Davis once said, “Old age is not for sissies.” That may be true, but the curriculum of aging offers incredible life lessons. Here are my top ten.

1. EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED.

We can’t predict when we’ll face a health challenge, have difficulty remembering a name, or encounter another reminder that we’re getting older. Aging is inevitable, just like the changing seasons. Each day brings surprises. Some bring joy, like a phone call or text from a friend or grandchild—or even a good night’s sleep. Others bring pain, like an aching joint or difficult medical news.

2. ACCEPT WHAT IS.

As we get older, we may be unable to continue activities that once brought us joy, like surfing or tennis. However, we can appreciate what we can still do, like walking with friends, and we can develop new hobbies and activities, such as pickleball or bridge. When we accept our frailties, we can become more accepting of the frailties of others. Acceptance also means welcoming the love and support from family and friends.

3. GRIEVE THE LOSSES.

With aging comes loss—of dreams that won’t be realized, of physical abilities, and of friends and loved ones who die. Loss tenderizes us to life and deepens our connection to our emotions. As we age, we are meant to grieve because just as we say hello to life’s experiences, we must also learn to say goodbye.

4. WELCOME WISDOM.

We can recognize the gifts that come from past mistakes and failures. That wisdom helps us make better choices today. We can recognize how people and circumstances offer us opportunities to grow and evolve. Wisdom reminds us that it’s okay to ask for and receive help.

5. SHARE THE JOURNEY.

Aging is not a time for isolation. Life lessons are meant to be shared with family, friends, and others in our community. Participating in groups where people openly talk about the aging process gives us opportunities to both receive and offer compassion, support, and love. We’re not meant to travel this road alone.

6. HAVE A “WHAT THE HELL ATTITUDE.”

Getting old means that we have earned the right to say, “What the hell, I’m standing up for myself.” That attitude can make us less reluctant to speak up, especially when dealing with someone in authority, like a doctor. Age can give us the courage to ask questions, challenge assumptions, and advocate for what we need. If we don’t stand up for ourselves now, then when will we?

7. MAKE TIME FOR FUN AND PLEASURE.

If not now, then when? We can do something fun or pleasurable every day. It may be as simple as taking a walk, enjoying a scrumptious meal, laughing with friends, or creating an intimate moment with someone we love. We can still enjoy sensual and sexual pleasure—with less pressure to rush to the finish line!

8. BE GRATEFUL.

Gratitude is worth cultivating because there will be days when we won’t feel particularly grateful, especially when we’re struggling with our health. Yet we can still be grateful that we can see a sunset, hear music, taste wonderful food, smell the roses, and feel the touch of someone we love. Being grateful for each moment makes each moment precious.

9. CREATE A LEGACY.

With age comes the realization that our time is limited. That awareness can create a sense of urgency about how we want to spend the rest of our lives. We can create a bucket list of experiences we still want to have, relationships we want to deepen, and contributions we want to make. We can ask ourselves, “How do I want to be remembered?” Then we can use the time we have left to create a life—and a legacy—worth remembering.

10. CONNECT WITH OUR CREATOR.

Since our time on Earth will someday end, it becomes increasingly important to develop and deepen a spiritual relationship. A connection with our Creator can provide inner peace as we navigate the final chapters of our lives.

Since today is the youngest you’ll ever be, don’t wait until you’re older to embrace the lessons of aging. A life well lived isn’t measured by how long we remain young, but by the choices we make to grow wiser, love deeply, and live fully.

Over the years – as a psychotherapist, author, and simply a fellow traveler through life – I’ve discovered five life lessons that continue to guide me. I don’t live them perfectly, but I return to them again and again because they help me create a more meaningful, peaceful, and loving life.

Lesson One: “Our life is what our thoughts make it.” — Marcus Aurelius

I grew up on the South Side of Chicago with a single mother raising four children. Life was a struggle, and I came to believe that life is a struggle.

The problem was that even after my circumstances changed, my story didn’t. Whenever life became easier, I unconsciously created a new problem because struggle had become part of my identity.

Everything shifted when I became aware of what I was thinking. Now, whenever I encounter a challenge, I ask myself two simple questions:

• What am I thinking?
• What do I want to think instead?

When we change our thinking, we often change our experience of life. Every thought plants the seeds of tomorrow’s reality.

That’s why it’s so important to become aware of what we feed our minds—the books we read, the movies we watch, the conversations we have, and the people we spend time with. We can choose thoughts that elevate our lives.

Lesson Two: “Express yourself. Don’t repress yourself.” — Madonna

Growing up, I learned that staying quiet kept me out of trouble. Unfortunately, it also cost me my voice.

Repressed emotions don’t disappear. They simply find other ways to express themselves—through stress, anxiety, resentment, depression, or even physical symptoms. Self-expression is as natural and necessary as breathing. When we share our thoughts and feelings in a safe environment, we gain greater self-understanding and discover healthier ways to communicate.

We can give our emotions a voice by journaling, talking with a trusted friend, working with a therapist, or speaking at Toastmasters. We can create art, write, sing, pray, or honestly say what’s on our mind.

When we express ourselves authentically, healing begins, creativity flourishes, and relationships deepen.

Lesson Three: “I am always in the right place, at the right time, with the right people.”

Last year, I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Although I would have never chosen that experience, it deepened my relationships with other men, taught me how to receive support, and reminded me that vulnerability is a form of strength.

Life only happens in the present moment. Whenever life surprises us, we can ask two questions that shift us from being victims of our circumstances to becoming students of life:

• Why is this happening now?
• What is this experience trying to teach me?
  

Every experience contains a lesson. We simply have to be willing to look for it.

Lesson Four: Life Is a Relationship

One of the most empowering realizations I’ve had is this: When I change, relationships change.

Everything in life is a relationship—with our body, our thoughts, our emotions, our partner, our family, our work, our spirituality, and even our finances. The way we relate to each of these areas shapes the quality of our lives.

Relationships are mirrors. They reveal parts of ourselves we might not otherwise see. With awareness, we can intentionally nurture relationships we want to flourish.

Lesson Five: Fight for Love

For me, fighting for love doesn’t mean fighting another person. More often, it means fighting my own defensiveness, judgments, fear, pride, and desire to be right.

The poet Rumi wrote: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

Removing those barriers requires awareness, courage, commitment, forgiveness, and continual practice. It isn’t easy. But that’s what fighting for love is all about.

Love asks us to give, receive, listen, forgive, and choose connection.

Final Thoughts

These five lessons continually shape the way I live and help me find my way home to my authentic self:

• Watch your thoughts. Choose carefully what you feed your mind.
• Express yourself. Don’t repress your feelings.
• Welcome every experience. They offer an opportunity to gain wisdom.
• Nurture your relationships. Intentionally elevate those you want to flourish.
• Never stop fighting for love. Love is the most potent force in the universe.

Life isn’t about avoiding struggle. It’s about becoming the kind of person who transforms struggle into wisdom, relationships into love, and everyday moments into opportunities for growth.

I am competing in the Toastmasters’ International Contest to become the World Champion of Public Speaking. To date, I won the club contest, but there are many levels to win for the honor of standing on the final stage that will be held in Philadelphia this August, 2025.

I decided to create a talk called, “Trash or Treasure.” I flashed back to the time when I was a 10-year-old boy living on the south side of Chicago. Whenever I heard “Yooo!” I’d rush to the alleyway and watch a big, blue truck rumble past 50-gallon metal drums filled with trash. Two men walking at the back of the truck would yell, “Yooo” to signal the driver to stop. They’d then turn a metal drum upside down onto a conveyor belt. Garbage would tumble into the belly of the beast.

My eyes always veered to the recovered treasures on the side of the truck – a broken bike that could be repaired, a steering wheel that could be used for a go-cart, and roller skates that seemed to be my size. With dreams of reclaiming tossed treasure, I knew I was destined to be a garbologist!

When I became a therapist 40-plus years ago and began counseling clients, I realized I had become, in some ways, a garbologist. My job was to look for trash talk, the stinking thinking that represents our negative self-talk that brings us down in the dumps.

We all have our favorite forms of stinking thinking: “I’m not good enough. I’m not worthy. I’ll fail at this. I’m not loved. I can’t trust others.”

To clear out our trash, we can act like garbologists and say, “Yo! Stop! Pay attention to what I’m thinking.” When we stop and look at our negative self-talk, we can actually find buried treasure. Under every trash talk, there’s a need that longs to be recognized and satisfied. A need to be seen and heard, accepted and supported, cared about and loved. The needs that were buried as children must be unearthed and met for us to shift to positive self-talk like “I am good enough, worthy, and loved.”

Growing up, I did what most boys and men did on the Southside of Chicago. I kept any emotional pain to myself. No talking, no crying, no sign of a whimper. Since I did not talk about my feelings, I have a longing to express myself. That’s why I write and speak to audiences.

If you ever find your mind overflowing with trash talk, say, “Yo!” and become a garbologist. Stop and pay attention to what you’re thinking. If it’s stinky, ask yourself these questions: “What unmet needs do I have? How can I satisfy them now? Is there one thing I can do to shift my thinking?”

Look for the treasures. They’re waiting to be found! “Yooo!”

Aging is a curriculum we all must take. However, we will do everything in our power to avoid the lessons of aging. We may be trying to stay young, but we’re getting older each day. The actress Bette Davis once said, “Old age is not for sissies.” That may be true, but the curriculum of aging offers many lessons.

Here are my top ten:

1. Expect the unexpected. We can’t predict when we’ll have a health challenge or even have difficulty remembering a name. Aging is inevitable, just like the seasons. Each day brings surprises. Some of them will bring joy, like a phone call or text from a friend or grandchild. Others will bring pain, like an aching joint, medical news, or disrupted sleep.
2. Accept what is. Even though we may get older, and that often means we’re unable to do what we had done in the past like skiing, we can accept what we can accept what we can still do like continue with certain hobbies and activities. I can be more accepting of our frailties and the frailties of others, and we can accept the love and support from family and friends.
3. Grieve the losses. With aging comes loss—of dreams that won’t be realized, of physical health, and of friends and loved ones who die. Loss tenderizes us to life and to our emotions. As we age, we are meant to grieve because just as we say hello to life’s experiences, so do we also say goodbye.
4. Welcome wisdom. We can recognize the gifts that come from past mistakes and failures. That wisdom helps us make better choices today. We can also recognize how people and circumstances offer us opportunities to grow and evolve. Wisdom also teaches us that it’s okay to ask for and receive help.
5. Share the journey. Aging is not a time for isolation. The lessons of the curriculum are meant to be shared with family, friends, and others in our community. Participating in groups where others are openly talking about their aging process provides an opportunity to receive and give compassion, support, and love.
6. Have a “What the hell attitude.” Getting old means that we have earned the right to say, “What the hell, I’m standing up for myself.” That attitude can make us less reticent to speak up for ourselves. If we don’t stand up for ourselves now, then when will we do it?
7. Make time for fun and pleasure. Again, if not now, then when? We can do something fun and pleasurable every day. It may be as simple as going for a walk, having a meal with a friend, or creating intimate time with a sweetheart. By the way, sex can get better as we age since there’s less pressure to rush to the finish line!
8. Be grateful. Gratitude is worth cultivating because there are days when we won’t feel grateful, especially when we’re having problems with our health. However, we can be grateful that we can see and still drive, hear music, taste wonderful food, smell exotic fragrances, and feel the touch of love. Being grateful for each moment makes each moment precious.
9. Create a legacy. With age comes the realization that our time is limited. Therefore, the sense of urgency about how to spend the rest of our lives can become a motivating force to create a bucket list of what we want to experience before we die. We can imagine how we want others to remember our legacy and use the remainder of our lives to create a life worth living.
10. Connect with our Creator. Since our time on Earth will someday end, it becomes increasingly important to develop and maintain a spiritual relationship with a Higher Power. That relationship can provide immense inner peace as we navigate the rest of our lives.

Since today is the youngest you’ll ever be, don’t wait until you get older to embrace the lessons of aging. Living them fosters a life well lived.

While Valentine’s Day may boost the sales of flowers, chocolate and Hallmark cards, it also offers an opportunity to revitalize relationships. Red hearts, displayed in stores remind us of romance and acts of love. However, if you’ve been with a person for a length of time, you may find yourself less inclined to give Valentine’s Day any serious thought. After all, he or she should know by now how you really feel about the relationship.

It is easy to fall into a pattern of taking a partner for granted. This may not occur in the early stages of a relationship when an infatuated couple showers each other with love and affection. Falling in love creates an intimate bond where individuals feel loved, wanted, appreciated, and comforted in times of need. Maintaining and revitalizing that bond over time can be challenging.

Whether a relationship becomes a brief interlude or turns into a life-long partnership, a couple has to overcome that natural tendency toward complacency. As a garden needs regular tending, so does a partnership need ongoing nurturing. If you take away the sunshine and neglect to prune, water, and fertilize, a magnificent garden will soon be overgrown with weeds. Therefore, if you want to insure that your relationship continues to blossom, consider these revitalizing steps for your Valentine.

1. STRENGTHEN COMMITMENT. Karen Blitzen who wrote “Out of Africa” said that the most important aspect of a relationship is a common vision. If the common vision or commitment fades, the relationship becomes strained as two people pull in opposite directions. Spending long hours away from home will increase a sense of detachment. However, a couple can revitalize the partnership by making their relationship a priority. A commitment to spend time together and consciously enhance and strengthen the relationship will re-forge that powerful bond.

2. UPDATE COMMUNICATION SKILLS. Couples need to continually update and improve their communication, which is always a work in progress. Some need to improve their listening skills while others need to convey their wants and desires more effectively. If you expect your partner to read your mind, your needs will often go unsatisfied. Take responsibility for identifying your needs and expressing them clearly. Couples who communicate well feel more loved. Update your skills by attending a couple’s enrichment course or reading about relationships. My good friend, Mari Frank, and I wrote Fighting for Love: Turn Conflict into Intimacy, A Couple’s Guide.

3. PRAISE MORE OFTEN. Positive strokes reinforce a loving bond. Research on couples highlights one of the main determinants in couple satisfaction or dissatisfaction as the ratio of positives to negatives. To have a positive, growing relationship, the ratio should be 5 positives to 1 negative. A positive climate reinforced with affirming acts and statements insures that a zone of safety, love, and security is maintained. In such an environment, conflict does not become overly threatening and can be more easily resolved. Share appreciative comments daily. Acknowledge the importance of the relationship on a regular basis. Every positive stroke adds to your bank of relational goodwill.

4. IMPROVE PROBLEM SOLVING. Problems, when rectified, can provide an opportunity to overcome adversity and strengthen a relationship. Mutually agree on a process of resolving difficulties before they arise. Arrange a time when you can both be attentive and distractions are minimized. Avoid the litany of all past grievances. Remain focused on one issue at a time. A simple process to tackle disagreements has one person express his or her issue without interruption. When finished, the other person refrains from defending or attacking, asks questions to clarify the problem, and then summarizes or rephrases what was said. The process is then reversed so that each person has a turn. Problems have a better chance of being resolved when partners feel heard.

5. INCREASE FUN AND PLEASURE. It doesn’t take any skill to have fun. It just requires an openness to be spontaneous and playful. Make a list of fun activities that both you and your partner enjoy. Movies, plays, comedy clubs, bowling, walks in nature and surprise getaways are but a few examples. Sharing vigorous physical activities such as exercise or sports provide a great way to relieve stress together.

6. BRING BACK THE ROMANCE. You don’t have to stop dating just because you’re in a stable relationship. Some couples establish a date night, which they take turns planning. Consider what might be romantic for your partner and surprise him or her. A Valentine’s card with flowers at a special restaurant, love letters, romantic weekends, unexpected gifts, music, dancing, hot tubs, massage, candles and incense, hugging and holding hands all create an ambiance that strengthens your relationship. Be responsive and attentive to the other and frequently fan the flames of love.