I am competing in the Toastmasters’ International Contest to become the World Champion of Public Speaking. To date, I won the club contest, but there are many levels to win for the honor of standing on the final stage that will be held in Philadelphia this August, 2025.

I decided to create a talk called, “Trash or Treasure.” I flashed back to the time when I was a 10-year-old boy living on the south side of Chicago. Whenever I heard “Yooo!” I’d rush to the alleyway and watch a big, blue truck rumble past 50-gallon metal drums filled with trash. Two men walking at the back of the truck would yell, “Yooo” to signal the driver to stop. They’d then turn a metal drum upside down onto a conveyor belt. Garbage would tumble into the belly of the beast.

My eyes always veered to the recovered treasures on the side of the truck – a broken bike that could be repaired, a steering wheel that could be used for a go-cart, and roller skates that seemed to be my size. With dreams of reclaiming tossed treasure, I knew I was destined to be a garbologist!

When I became a therapist 40-plus years ago and began counseling clients, I realized I had become, in some ways, a garbologist. My job was to look for trash talk, the stinking thinking that represents our negative self-talk that brings us down in the dumps.

We all have our favorite forms of stinking thinking: “I’m not good enough. I’m not worthy. I’ll fail at this. I’m not loved. I can’t trust others.”

To clear out our trash, we can act like garbologists and say, “Yo! Stop! Pay attention to what I’m thinking.” When we stop and look at our negative self-talk, we can actually find buried treasure. Under every trash talk, there’s a need that longs to be recognized and satisfied. A need to be seen and heard, accepted and supported, cared about and loved. The needs that were buried as children must be unearthed and met for us to shift to positive self-talk like “I am good enough, worthy, and loved.”

Growing up, I did what most boys and men did on the Southside of Chicago. I kept any emotional pain to myself. No talking, no crying, no sign of a whimper. Since I did not talk about my feelings, I have a longing to express myself. That’s why I write and speak to audiences.

If you ever find your mind overflowing with trash talk, say, “Yo!” and become a garbologist. Stop and pay attention to what you’re thinking. If it’s stinky, ask yourself these questions: “What unmet needs do I have? How can I satisfy them now? Is there one thing I can do to shift my thinking?”

Look for the treasures. They’re waiting to be found! “Yooo!”

Aging is a curriculum we all must take. However, we will do everything in our power to avoid the lessons of aging. We may be trying to stay young, but we’re getting older each day. The actress Bette Davis once said, “Old age is not for sissies.” That may be true, but the curriculum of aging offers many lessons.

Here are my top ten:

1. Expect the unexpected. We can’t predict when we’ll have a health challenge or even have difficulty remembering a name. Aging is inevitable, just like the seasons. Each day brings surprises. Some of them will bring joy, like a phone call or text from a friend or grandchild. Others will bring pain, like an aching joint, medical news, or disrupted sleep.
2. Accept what is. Even though we may get older, and that often means we’re unable to do what we had done in the past like skiing, we can accept what we can accept what we can still do like continue with certain hobbies and activities. I can be more accepting of our frailties and the frailties of others, and we can accept the love and support from family and friends.
3. Grieve the losses. With aging comes loss—of dreams that won’t be realized, of physical health, and of friends and loved ones who die. Loss tenderizes us to life and to our emotions. As we age, we are meant to grieve because just as we say hello to life’s experiences, so do we also say goodbye.
4. Welcome wisdom. We can recognize the gifts that come from past mistakes and failures. That wisdom helps us make better choices today. We can also recognize how people and circumstances offer us opportunities to grow and evolve. Wisdom also teaches us that it’s okay to ask for and receive help.
5. Share the journey. Aging is not a time for isolation. The lessons of the curriculum are meant to be shared with family, friends, and others in our community. Participating in groups where others are openly talking about their aging process provides an opportunity to receive and give compassion, support, and love.
6. Have a “What the hell attitude.” Getting old means that we have earned the right to say, “What the hell, I’m standing up for myself.” That attitude can make us less reticent to speak up for ourselves. If we don’t stand up for ourselves now, then when will we do it?
7. Make time for fun and pleasure. Again, if not now, then when? We can do something fun and pleasurable every day. It may be as simple as going for a walk, having a meal with a friend, or creating intimate time with a sweetheart. By the way, sex can get better as we age since there’s less pressure to rush to the finish line!
8. Be grateful. Gratitude is worth cultivating because there are days when we won’t feel grateful, especially when we’re having problems with our health. However, we can be grateful that we can see and still drive, hear music, taste wonderful food, smell exotic fragrances, and feel the touch of love. Being grateful for each moment makes each moment precious.
9. Create a legacy. With age comes the realization that our time is limited. Therefore, the sense of urgency about how to spend the rest of our lives can become a motivating force to create a bucket list of what we want to experience before we die. We can imagine how we want others to remember our legacy and use the remainder of our lives to create a life worth living.
10. Connect with our Creator. Since our time on Earth will someday end, it becomes increasingly important to develop and maintain a spiritual relationship with a Higher Power. That relationship can provide immense inner peace as we navigate the rest of our lives.

Since today is the youngest you’ll ever be, don’t wait until you get older to embrace the lessons of aging. Living them fosters a life well lived.

While Valentine’s Day may boost the sales of flowers, chocolate and Hallmark cards, it also offers an opportunity to revitalize relationships. Red hearts, displayed in stores remind us of romance and acts of love. However, if you’ve been with a person for a length of time, you may find yourself less inclined to give Valentine’s Day any serious thought. After all, he or she should know by now how you really feel about the relationship.

It is easy to fall into a pattern of taking a partner for granted. This may not occur in the early stages of a relationship when an infatuated couple showers each other with love and affection. Falling in love creates an intimate bond where individuals feel loved, wanted, appreciated, and comforted in times of need. Maintaining and revitalizing that bond over time can be challenging.

Whether a relationship becomes a brief interlude or turns into a life-long partnership, a couple has to overcome that natural tendency toward complacency. As a garden needs regular tending, so does a partnership need ongoing nurturing. If you take away the sunshine and neglect to prune, water, and fertilize, a magnificent garden will soon be overgrown with weeds. Therefore, if you want to insure that your relationship continues to blossom, consider these revitalizing steps for your Valentine.

1. STRENGTHEN COMMITMENT. Karen Blitzen who wrote “Out of Africa” said that the most important aspect of a relationship is a common vision. If the common vision or commitment fades, the relationship becomes strained as two people pull in opposite directions. Spending long hours away from home will increase a sense of detachment. However, a couple can revitalize the partnership by making their relationship a priority. A commitment to spend time together and consciously enhance and strengthen the relationship will re-forge that powerful bond.

2. UPDATE COMMUNICATION SKILLS. Couples need to continually update and improve their communication, which is always a work in progress. Some need to improve their listening skills while others need to convey their wants and desires more effectively. If you expect your partner to read your mind, your needs will often go unsatisfied. Take responsibility for identifying your needs and expressing them clearly. Couples who communicate well feel more loved. Update your skills by attending a couple’s enrichment course or reading about relationships. My good friend, Mari Frank, and I wrote Fighting for Love: Turn Conflict into Intimacy, A Couple’s Guide.

3. PRAISE MORE OFTEN. Positive strokes reinforce a loving bond. Research on couples highlights one of the main determinants in couple satisfaction or dissatisfaction as the ratio of positives to negatives. To have a positive, growing relationship, the ratio should be 5 positives to 1 negative. A positive climate reinforced with affirming acts and statements insures that a zone of safety, love, and security is maintained. In such an environment, conflict does not become overly threatening and can be more easily resolved. Share appreciative comments daily. Acknowledge the importance of the relationship on a regular basis. Every positive stroke adds to your bank of relational goodwill.

4. IMPROVE PROBLEM SOLVING. Problems, when rectified, can provide an opportunity to overcome adversity and strengthen a relationship. Mutually agree on a process of resolving difficulties before they arise. Arrange a time when you can both be attentive and distractions are minimized. Avoid the litany of all past grievances. Remain focused on one issue at a time. A simple process to tackle disagreements has one person express his or her issue without interruption. When finished, the other person refrains from defending or attacking, asks questions to clarify the problem, and then summarizes or rephrases what was said. The process is then reversed so that each person has a turn. Problems have a better chance of being resolved when partners feel heard.

5. INCREASE FUN AND PLEASURE. It doesn’t take any skill to have fun. It just requires an openness to be spontaneous and playful. Make a list of fun activities that both you and your partner enjoy. Movies, plays, comedy clubs, bowling, walks in nature and surprise getaways are but a few examples. Sharing vigorous physical activities such as exercise or sports provide a great way to relieve stress together.

6. BRING BACK THE ROMANCE. You don’t have to stop dating just because you’re in a stable relationship. Some couples establish a date night, which they take turns planning. Consider what might be romantic for your partner and surprise him or her. A Valentine’s card with flowers at a special restaurant, love letters, romantic weekends, unexpected gifts, music, dancing, hot tubs, massage, candles and incense, hugging and holding hands all create an ambiance that strengthens your relationship. Be responsive and attentive to the other and frequently fan the flames of love.

As a therapist and a writer, I love stories about transformation. While Scrooge went through his own transformation from miser to generous soul, his clerk Bob Cratchit never experienced his own makeover. He only changed because Scrooge changed. Therefore, I had the idea of Bob being visited by Spirits who gave him a wake-up call to discover that his horrible memories continually haunt him. Only by letting them go and living in the present could he create a different future.

Traumatic feelings that do not get resolved stay with us. Therefore, forgiveness is about letting go, especially of the past emotions attached to memories. The practice that I use and teach my clients is to recognize old wounds, accept that they are there, learn from them, bless them with love, and then let them go. I’ve had to do that with my father who left the family when I was a young boy. The lesson I learned was to be the father who I always wanted in my life. I believe my children were blessed with that gift.

Like Bob, we can visit the past, release memories that haunt us, and look for ways to embrace the Christmas Spirit.  Here are some ways to embrace the Spirit of Christmas every day

1. 1. Make a list of what brings you joy and check it twice.
   2. Get a live evergreen tree for the home and watch it grow.
   3. Put some lights around the house. Candles also work.
   4. Listen to your favorite Christmas carols. (My favorite is Drummer Boy.)
   5. Watch a movie that brings you joy.
   6. Practice an act of kindness every day.
   7. Give someone an unexpected present.
   8. Give yourself an unexpected present.

Jack Canfield, New York Times Bestselling author of The Success Principles™ and cocreator of the Chicken Soup for the Soul® series gave me a present with his testimonial: “Bob Cratchit’s Christmas Carol will inspire you to let go of the past, awaken your true purpose, and create miracles.” 

You can watch my interview about the book on www.bobschristmas.com and/or read a free excerpt at https://BookHip.com/FZTMLCD

Wishing you all, Happy Holidays

Leonard Szymczak

Men seeking deeper friendships with other men must make a conscious commitment to develop relationships. However, this often conflicts with the old model of friendship that many men experienced growing up. Some 20 years ago, George Ortenzo and I developed a Conscious Friendship Model for men. It still holds true today. Upleveling to a model that provides deeper levels of connection, growth, and love requires a commitment. Are you willing to let go of the old and embrace the new?

                                       MODELS OF FRIENDSHIP: TWO VIEWPOINTS