Why Strength and Vulnerability Make Us More Fully Human

When you hear the word masculine, what qualities come to mind? Strong? Tough? Competitive? Independent?

And when you hear the word feminine? Emotional? Sensitive? Nurturing? Caring?

Those would have been my answers when I was a boy growing up in a tough neighborhood on the South Side of Chicago.

My father left our family when I was young, so I looked to the men in my neighborhood as models of manhood. They were warriors, protectors, providers, and fixers. Men were supposed to be tough, invincible, competitive, and self-reliant. We weren’t supposed to be soft, weak, sensitive, or emotional.

The movie characters Rocky and Rambo captured that image of masculinity.

As a boy, I didn’t show many feelings. Anger was acceptable—like fighting with my older brother, our version of conflict resolution. But vulnerability? Tears? Sensitivity? Those belonged on the feminine side.

Over the past 50 years, my ideas about masculinity and femininity have changed. Several experiences helped reshape them.

My First Teacher: My Mother Taught Me About Strength

After my father left the family, my mother raised four children on her own. She was the breadwinner, working at Campbell Soup factory. She tackled problems I assumed belonged to men: plumbing, electrical work, carpentry.

Apparently, nobody had told my mom what women weren’t supposed to do.

She taught me an important lesson long before I fully understood it: Strength doesn’t just belong to men. And nurturing doesn’t just belong to women.

Later, as a family therapist, I saw how families benefited when parents weren’t confined to rigid roles—mothers as nurturers, fathers as disciplinarians. Children benefited when mothers could also set boundaries and fathers could also be emotionally available.

My Second Teacher: Fatherhood Taught Me About Connection

Before having children, much of my self-esteem as a man came from achievement. Work hard. Accomplish. Succeed.

Achievement brought money, recognition, and status. Those became measures of success—and, to some extent, measures of my manhood.

When my daughter Melissa and my son Nate were born, I discovered that parenting wasn’t about performance or achievement. It was about relationship.

My children needed qualities I had once considered feminine: nurturing, tenderness, and sensitivity. Being tough and competitive didn’t help much when I was holding a crying baby. But holding that baby made me realize I needed another set of skills.

Years later, I found the perfect metaphor for what I was learning while watching one of my favorite athletes.

My Third Teacher: Michael Jordan Taught Me to Use Both Hands

I loved watching Michael Jordan play basketball for the Chicago Bulls. He would drive toward the basket intending to make a right-handed layup. But if a defender blocked his right side, Michael would switch hands in midair and score with his left.

That became a metaphor for my own development as a man.

Most men of my generation had been well trained in what I call the right-handed way of manhood: Be strong. Protect. Compete. Fix problems. Be self-reliant—all valuable qualities.

I don’t believe men need to abandon them. But many of us had not developed the left-handed way: Expressing emotions. Listening. Showing empathy. Being vulnerable. Opening our hearts.

The problem wasn’t that the right-handed way of being a man was bad. The problem was that we were trying to play the game of life with one hand tied behind our back.

Attending men’s groups became an important part of my own development. They gave me a safe place to practice using both hands—to embrace openness and vulnerability while discovering that those qualities didn’t diminish my strength as a man. They made me stronger.

That brings me back to Rocky and Rambo.

Sylvester Stallone, who portrayed those iconic characters, spoke candidly in his memoir, The Steps, published this September 2026. He talked about growing up with a violent father and absent mother.

Rocky and Rambo became cultural symbols of toughness. That toughness helped Stallone survive and succeed, but he has also described the personal cost, including anxiety, struggles with body image, and regret. He said that he had built a castle out of thousands of stones of regret. As he told it, it took him until he was 70 to experience real love.

His reflections resonated with me because we need to realize that one hand isn’t enough.

This Isn’t Just About Men

Women have also been confined by traditional gender roles. Just as men can embrace tenderness, vulnerability, connection, and love, women can embrace strength, assertiveness, independence, and power.

We don’t have to divide these qualities into two boxes labeled masculine and feminine. Strength doesn’t have a gender. Neither does tenderness. Courage, empathy, independence, vulnerability, assertiveness, connection, and compassion are available to all of us.

They are human qualities. And the more of them we can access, the more choices we have in responding to life.

• Sometimes life requires us to be strong. Sometimes gentle.
• Sometimes we need to stand our ground. Sometimes we need to listen.
• Sometimes we need to fix the problem. And sometimes we need to ask for help.

We all need both hands. Like Michael Jordan, we play a much better game when we use both hands.

On Mother’s Day in 2009, I flew to Cleveland to spend time with my mother. She was 96 years old and suffered from dementia. She lived in a nursing home near my sister.

When I walked into her room, I found her sitting on a chair. She wore a bright red sweater displaying a large Campbell Soup emblem. She had worked there for thirty years.

She didn’t recognize me, but she was happy to have a visitor.

I handed her a box of chocolates wrapped with a bright red ribbon. She loved chocolates. When she struggled with the ribbon, I told her, “Just pull the ribbon and open the box.”

She looked at me and asked, “Are you sure?”

Of all the things to remember, she held on to one of her favorite phrases.

I flashed back to when I was eight years old.

My mom would often ask, “Lenny, did you finish your homework?”

When I told her, “Yes,” she responded, “Are you sure?” Then she’d ask, “Did you finish your chores?”

It didn’t matter what I said because my mom double-checked everything with, “Are you sure?”

That was her way. Mind you, not the best way to build self-confidence in a little boy.

I grew up haunted by that question. Whenever I made a decision or believed what I had done was good enough, a voice inside me would ask, “Are you sure?”

I tried to overcome my self-doubt by working harder and driving myself to achieve. That helped me accomplish many things—writing books, building a therapy practice, and pursuing goals I cared about.

But no matter what I accomplished, the question remained. Are you sure?

During that visit with my mother, I was sure of one thing. She didn’t remember me. Yet, I still had to ask, “Do you know who I am?”

She nodded and smiled.

“What’s my name?”

With a twinkle in her eye, my mother said one word: “Accept.”

“Accept? Like, accept myself?”

She nodded and smiled.

I looked at her and said, “Are you sure?”

She smiled again.

Though my mother had dementia, in that moment, her soul spoke to me: “Accept.”

Perhaps that was the answer I had been searching for all those years. I didn’t need to accomplish more to prove I was good enough. I didn’t need to have all the answers or make all the right decisions. I needed to accept myself—the successes and failures, the strengths and shortcomings, the person I had been and the person I was still becoming.

Acceptance doesn’t mean we stop growing. It means we stop condemning ourselves while we grow.

All of us make mistakes. We fail. We fall short. But when we remain trapped in feelings of failure, inadequacy, or unworthiness, we stay imprisoned by the past.

Acceptance allows us to learn from our mistakes without allowing them to define us. And something else happens when we begin to accept ourselves. We become better able to open our hearts and accept other people—with all their differences and imperfections.

Before my mother passed away, I often told her, “Mom, I am sure of one thing. I love you.”

She would reach for my hand, squeeze it, nod, and smile.

Today, I pass her message on to you.

ACCEPT YOURSELF.

Can you accept yourself just the way you are?

Will you accept yourself?

ARE YOU SURE?

This summer, my son and I spent an amazing father-son week in Glacier National Park, Montana. It was heartening to share the breathtaking scenery—and the adventure—with my son.

Not only did the journey reinforce our bond, but it also taught me something about three different kinds of intelligence:

• Artificial Intelligence
• Organic Intelligence
• Divine Intelligence

Each contributed to the trip in their own wonderful way.

Like most travelers today, we relied on Artificial Intelligence to gather information, solve problems, and help us make decisions about flights, accommodation, weather reports, restaurants, hiking trails, even our e-bike rentals. AI made planning easier.

However, it did have limitations. It didn’t pedal my bike.

I had to do that myself when my son, Nate, and I rode pedal assist e-bikes on the famous Going-to-the-Sun Road—a spectacular climb past glacial lakes, waterfalls, and alpine valleys. Our goal was Logan Pass—32 miles round trip, climbing some 4,000 feet to nearly 7,000 feet in elevation.

As I rode, I had to conserve both the battery and my stamina. The higher we climbed, the harder I breathed. Before long, my legs started sending messages I didn’t want to hear.

Slow down. Take a break. You don’t have to rush to the top. Enjoy the journey!

At first, I ignored those messages. Then something wiser took over. Organic Intelligence. My body knew exactly what I needed—a drink of water, a peanut butter sandwich, a few minutes of rest. When I paused long enough to listen, I became aware of what my body and senses were telling me.

And something remarkable happened. Instead of fighting my organic intelligence and pushing myself relentlessly to the top, I began working with it. My body was already producing what I needed—endorphins to ease discomfort, dopamine to support motivation, and serotonin to help regulate my mood.

The question wasn’t whether I had Organic Intelligence. The question was: “Am I listening to my body?”

Organic Intelligence includes the physical and emotional messages that tell us how we’re doing and what we need. Our minds help us solve problems. Our emotions provide information. Our instincts quietly guide us.

But then something happened that neither Artificial Intelligence nor Organic Intelligence could fully explain.

When Nate and I reached Logan Pass, we stopped and gazed at towering mountains, some still covered with snow. Time seemed to stand still. For a few moments, nothing needed to be accomplished.

No emails. No schedules. No notifications. Simply being there was enough.

Can you recall moments like that? Watching a sunset. Holding a child. Walking through a forest or along a sandy beach. Looking up at a full moon. You probably felt connected to something larger than yourself.

I call that Divine Intelligence.

Divine intelligence reminds us that life is more than staying busy, accomplishing goals, and checking things off a to-do list. It invites us to become still, experience wonder, and remember why the journey matters in the first place.

Standing beside my son at Logan Pass, I realized something. Years from now, I may not remember the AI that helped plan the trip or book the e-bikes. I may not even remember the Organic intelligence that told me to eat my peanut butter sandwich, stop for a rest, and take in the fresh mountain air.

But I know I will remember the conversations we shared along the road. I will remember the quiet among those majestic mountains and the feeling that, for a little while, I was exactly where I was meant to be. Totally at peace with where I was.

The next time you’re facing an important decision, consider drawing upon all three kinds of intelligence:

• Use Artificial Intelligence to gather information and expand your knowledge. It may make you smarter.
• Listen to your Organic Intelligence—your body, emotions, mind, and instincts. It may help you live healthier and more wisely.
• Become still and open yourself to Divine Intelligence. It may remind you what it truly means to be alive—that every day holds the possibility of wonder, meaning, and connection, and that none of us travels this journey entirely alone.

Aging is a curriculum we all must take. Yet we often resist the lessons, trying to stay young even though we’re getting older every day. Actress Bette Davis once said, “Old age is not for sissies.” That may be true, but the curriculum of aging offers incredible life lessons. Here are my top ten.

1. EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED.

We can’t predict when we’ll face a health challenge, have difficulty remembering a name, or encounter another reminder that we’re getting older. Aging is inevitable, just like the changing seasons. Each day brings surprises. Some bring joy, like a phone call or text from a friend or grandchild—or even a good night’s sleep. Others bring pain, like an aching joint or difficult medical news.

2. ACCEPT WHAT IS.

As we get older, we may be unable to continue activities that once brought us joy, like surfing or tennis. However, we can appreciate what we can still do, like walking with friends, and we can develop new hobbies and activities, such as pickleball or bridge. When we accept our frailties, we can become more accepting of the frailties of others. Acceptance also means welcoming the love and support from family and friends.

3. GRIEVE THE LOSSES.

With aging comes loss—of dreams that won’t be realized, of physical abilities, and of friends and loved ones who die. Loss tenderizes us to life and deepens our connection to our emotions. As we age, we are meant to grieve because just as we say hello to life’s experiences, we must also learn to say goodbye.

4. WELCOME WISDOM.

We can recognize the gifts that come from past mistakes and failures. That wisdom helps us make better choices today. We can recognize how people and circumstances offer us opportunities to grow and evolve. Wisdom reminds us that it’s okay to ask for and receive help.

5. SHARE THE JOURNEY.

Aging is not a time for isolation. Life lessons are meant to be shared with family, friends, and others in our community. Participating in groups where people openly talk about the aging process gives us opportunities to both receive and offer compassion, support, and love. We’re not meant to travel this road alone.

6. HAVE A “WHAT THE HELL ATTITUDE.”

Getting old means that we have earned the right to say, “What the hell, I’m standing up for myself.” That attitude can make us less reluctant to speak up, especially when dealing with someone in authority, like a doctor. Age can give us the courage to ask questions, challenge assumptions, and advocate for what we need. If we don’t stand up for ourselves now, then when will we?

7. MAKE TIME FOR FUN AND PLEASURE.

If not now, then when? We can do something fun or pleasurable every day. It may be as simple as taking a walk, enjoying a scrumptious meal, laughing with friends, or creating an intimate moment with someone we love. We can still enjoy sensual and sexual pleasure—with less pressure to rush to the finish line!

8. BE GRATEFUL.

Gratitude is worth cultivating because there will be days when we won’t feel particularly grateful, especially when we’re struggling with our health. Yet we can still be grateful that we can see a sunset, hear music, taste wonderful food, smell the roses, and feel the touch of someone we love. Being grateful for each moment makes each moment precious.

9. CREATE A LEGACY.

With age comes the realization that our time is limited. That awareness can create a sense of urgency about how we want to spend the rest of our lives. We can create a bucket list of experiences we still want to have, relationships we want to deepen, and contributions we want to make. We can ask ourselves, “How do I want to be remembered?” Then we can use the time we have left to create a life—and a legacy—worth remembering.

10. CONNECT WITH OUR CREATOR.

Since our time on Earth will someday end, it becomes increasingly important to develop and deepen a spiritual relationship. A connection with our Creator can provide inner peace as we navigate the final chapters of our lives.

Since today is the youngest you’ll ever be, don’t wait until you’re older to embrace the lessons of aging. A life well lived isn’t measured by how long we remain young, but by the choices we make to grow wiser, love deeply, and live fully.

Over the years – as a psychotherapist, author, and simply a fellow traveler through life – I’ve discovered five life lessons that continue to guide me. I don’t live them perfectly, but I return to them again and again because they help me create a more meaningful, peaceful, and loving life.

Lesson One: “Our life is what our thoughts make it.” — Marcus Aurelius

I grew up on the South Side of Chicago with a single mother raising four children. Life was a struggle, and I came to believe that life is a struggle.

The problem was that even after my circumstances changed, my story didn’t. Whenever life became easier, I unconsciously created a new problem because struggle had become part of my identity.

Everything shifted when I became aware of what I was thinking. Now, whenever I encounter a challenge, I ask myself two simple questions:

• What am I thinking?
• What do I want to think instead?

When we change our thinking, we often change our experience of life. Every thought plants the seeds of tomorrow’s reality.

That’s why it’s so important to become aware of what we feed our minds—the books we read, the movies we watch, the conversations we have, and the people we spend time with. We can choose thoughts that elevate our lives.

Lesson Two: “Express yourself. Don’t repress yourself.” — Madonna

Growing up, I learned that staying quiet kept me out of trouble. Unfortunately, it also cost me my voice.

Repressed emotions don’t disappear. They simply find other ways to express themselves—through stress, anxiety, resentment, depression, or even physical symptoms. Self-expression is as natural and necessary as breathing. When we share our thoughts and feelings in a safe environment, we gain greater self-understanding and discover healthier ways to communicate.

We can give our emotions a voice by journaling, talking with a trusted friend, working with a therapist, or speaking at Toastmasters. We can create art, write, sing, pray, or honestly say what’s on our mind.

When we express ourselves authentically, healing begins, creativity flourishes, and relationships deepen.

Lesson Three: “I am always in the right place, at the right time, with the right people.”

Last year, I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Although I would have never chosen that experience, it deepened my relationships with other men, taught me how to receive support, and reminded me that vulnerability is a form of strength.

Life only happens in the present moment. Whenever life surprises us, we can ask two questions that shift us from being victims of our circumstances to becoming students of life:

• Why is this happening now?
• What is this experience trying to teach me?
  

Every experience contains a lesson. We simply have to be willing to look for it.

Lesson Four: Life Is a Relationship

One of the most empowering realizations I’ve had is this: When I change, relationships change.

Everything in life is a relationship—with our body, our thoughts, our emotions, our partner, our family, our work, our spirituality, and even our finances. The way we relate to each of these areas shapes the quality of our lives.

Relationships are mirrors. They reveal parts of ourselves we might not otherwise see. With awareness, we can intentionally nurture relationships we want to flourish.

Lesson Five: Fight for Love

For me, fighting for love doesn’t mean fighting another person. More often, it means fighting my own defensiveness, judgments, fear, pride, and desire to be right.

The poet Rumi wrote: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

Removing those barriers requires awareness, courage, commitment, forgiveness, and continual practice. It isn’t easy. But that’s what fighting for love is all about.

Love asks us to give, receive, listen, forgive, and choose connection.

Final Thoughts

These five lessons continually shape the way I live and help me find my way home to my authentic self:

• Watch your thoughts. Choose carefully what you feed your mind.
• Express yourself. Don’t repress your feelings.
• Welcome every experience. They offer an opportunity to gain wisdom.
• Nurture your relationships. Intentionally elevate those you want to flourish.
• Never stop fighting for love. Love is the most potent force in the universe.

Life isn’t about avoiding struggle. It’s about becoming the kind of person who transforms struggle into wisdom, relationships into love, and everyday moments into opportunities for growth.

I am competing in the Toastmasters’ International Contest to become the World Champion of Public Speaking. To date, I won the club contest, but there are many levels to win for the honor of standing on the final stage that will be held in Philadelphia this August, 2025.

I decided to create a talk called, “Trash or Treasure.” I flashed back to the time when I was a 10-year-old boy living on the south side of Chicago. Whenever I heard “Yooo!” I’d rush to the alleyway and watch a big, blue truck rumble past 50-gallon metal drums filled with trash. Two men walking at the back of the truck would yell, “Yooo” to signal the driver to stop. They’d then turn a metal drum upside down onto a conveyor belt. Garbage would tumble into the belly of the beast.

My eyes always veered to the recovered treasures on the side of the truck – a broken bike that could be repaired, a steering wheel that could be used for a go-cart, and roller skates that seemed to be my size. With dreams of reclaiming tossed treasure, I knew I was destined to be a garbologist!

When I became a therapist 40-plus years ago and began counseling clients, I realized I had become, in some ways, a garbologist. My job was to look for trash talk, the stinking thinking that represents our negative self-talk that brings us down in the dumps.

We all have our favorite forms of stinking thinking: “I’m not good enough. I’m not worthy. I’ll fail at this. I’m not loved. I can’t trust others.”

To clear out our trash, we can act like garbologists and say, “Yo! Stop! Pay attention to what I’m thinking.” When we stop and look at our negative self-talk, we can actually find buried treasure. Under every trash talk, there’s a need that longs to be recognized and satisfied. A need to be seen and heard, accepted and supported, cared about and loved. The needs that were buried as children must be unearthed and met for us to shift to positive self-talk like “I am good enough, worthy, and loved.”

Growing up, I did what most boys and men did on the Southside of Chicago. I kept any emotional pain to myself. No talking, no crying, no sign of a whimper. Since I did not talk about my feelings, I have a longing to express myself. That’s why I write and speak to audiences.

If you ever find your mind overflowing with trash talk, say, “Yo!” and become a garbologist. Stop and pay attention to what you’re thinking. If it’s stinky, ask yourself these questions: “What unmet needs do I have? How can I satisfy them now? Is there one thing I can do to shift my thinking?”

Look for the treasures. They’re waiting to be found! “Yooo!”